The Chronicles of a Happy Life

I’m not a great fan of cricket, but I found the following forward so funny that I just had to put it up.

Ranjit Singhji: One of the first great Indian cricketing heroes. Singhji was “The cricketer formally known as “Prince”". His most famous exploits include obtaining a UK visa and work permit and inventing the Leg Glance, a move whereby when friends’ sisters walks by in a short skirts you make a sweeping cricket shot action imitation thereby looking at their legs but not getting caught. Famously, Ranjit Singhji once fell ill after a mixing some bad milk in his cup of Darjeeling and could only bowl a single over. In spite of this he got 3 wickets through judicious use of line and length. This is immortalized today in the famous “Corridor of Uncertain Tea”. He names lives on to this day in the form of the tournament named after him, the “Coca-Cola Cup”.

Gundappa Viswanath: Widely considered the greatest left-handed batsmen from Andhra with a moustache to play in the 60s, in Indian History. Played several crucial test innings for India, many times pulling India back from the brink of complete disaster, taking them to mere comprehensive defeats. He was a daring, brave batsman who stood fearless in the face of the quickest bowlers, primarily because he was blinded by his moustache. Renowned for his deft footwork, he once, after being bowled for duck, moonwalked all the way back to the pavilion. His first name means “Fat Papa” in Tamil and this ensured constant victory for India against the Sri Lankans who could not bowl at him with a straight face.

Sunil Gavaskar: The first big international Indian cricket star. Scored thousands upon thousands of runs in a career that spanned several millions of balls left outside off-stump. He was affectionately known as Sunny, the Little Master and that little Prick though the first two were rarely used. He was a tireless team player and inspiring captain who often shouldered a lot of the batting burden and most of the match fees single-handedly. Gavaskar was a cricketer who patiently waited for the loose ball and once did so for three whole days in a limited overs match before stadium security politely asked him to leave. Gavaskar became the captain of India in 1982 taking on the mantle from Srinivasaraghavan Venkataraghavan, an accomplished cricketer himself, who retired from cricket in protest after it became mandatory to wear kits with one’s full name on the back.

Ravi Shashtri: Holds the record for maximum sixes hit in one over with 6 against Tilak Raj in Bombay. Shastri would have hit more but little Tilak had maths homework and a Social Studies test the next day and we all know how bad 7th standard CBSE is. Shastri was one of our first great all-rounders and once, in a remarkable game in the 1987 tour of Ooty and Coimbatore, Shastri bowled himself around the legs. Ravi Shastri was the heartthrob of millions of women in the late 80s and early 90s and was considered a great looker. This has now been found to be an error due to primitive TV broadcasting technology. He is now a well-known and respected cricket commentator. Fiercely patriotic, he recently pegged India to win all the one-days in the South African tour of Sri Lanka.

Kapil Dev: Explosive with the ball, dynamic with the bat and ridiculous with the English language, Kapil Dev was the life of many humorous post-match press conferences. Dev often stood alone in the face of adversity and dragged India out of tight spots. His 175 run innings in Tunbridge Wells is a classic and some of his shots continue to orbit the Earth to this day bouncing off space stations and interfering with TV broadcasts (see Ravi Shastri above.) Kapil Dev was also one of the first few cricketers to make it big in the world of advertising and synonymous with the caption: “Boost is the secret of my enema. Our enema. (Smile)” Nowadays he is a successful entrepreneur and often appears on TV when he roots for India from his heart saying: “India needs to play the games with the heart and the tactics is nice if then the whole together comes… err… boost is the secret of my enema…”

Krishnamachari Srikkanth: A dynamic one-day player who pioneered the technique of repeated letters in one’s name for good luck. Srikkanth was an explosive opening batsman who often stepped out of his crease and swung his bat with great gusto only to be stumped down leg side. He holds the record for maximum consecutives world cups without a haircut (4). Kris Srikkanth was the quintessential South Indian in the team who rapidly learned Hindi while playing for India, leading to an average of well over 4 run outs per match in the process. Today Kris is a passionate cricket commentator who can say “Oh shit, sorry” in over 14 north Indian languages.

Venkatesh Prasad: If Akthar is the “Rawalpindi Express” then for many years Venkatesh Prasad, a key part of the bowling attack, was affectionately called “The Slow Bangalore Passenger That Is Currently Broken Down At Palakkad Station. Passengers approach ticket counter for refund please.” Despite several key wickets, Prasad was not a pacey bowler but instead used a bewildering array of slow, slower and slowest balls to vex batsmen. In the 1992 World Cup he bowled a slow one to Wasim Akram that has not reached the batsman to this day. He was a pioneer of the “Intimidation” school of fielding whereby you do not run for the ball but merely try to stop it by looking at it gravely.

Anil Kumble: Named after the Anil Kumble Circle in Bangalore, where he grew up learning to bowl, Kumble continues to be one of the spinning maestros in the country. However he is not a big mover of the ball but instead unleashes a repertoire of balls so complicated even he does not know what he is doing. He holds the record for having captured 10 wickets in a single test innings but honestly cannot explain how. The author has a particular grouse with Mr. Kumble for having released a shitty cricket video game that the author’s brother forced him to buy. The game has graphics reminiscent of a Rohrschach Test and game play marginally more engaging than digging one’s nose. Kumble is frequently a useful all-rounder and was the first Indian to achieve the “supreme” double of 400 wickets taken and 4000 misfields.

Sachin Tendulkar: No one makes fun of Sachin. Not even me.

Sanjay Manrekar: Manjrekar is an exciting top order batsman with an amazing repertoire of shots. If you play him in that stupid Anil Kumble game that is. In real life he was often called a text-book cricketer, in the sense that watching him bat was like reading a macro-economics text book. Sanjay Manjrekar was full of technique and single-handedly developed 2567 ways of padding upto an off-spinner. His moment of glory was during the Ashes Test of 1994 when Imran Khan approached him and accepted defeat as several of the Pakistani players were collapsing from brain inactivity. Manjrekar valiantly declined and went on to score an astounding century in just under a fortnight.

Venkatpathy Raju: With tremendous movement off the pitch especially in windy gusty weather, Venkatpathy Raju is one of the lightest players to have ever played the game. His bowling, on the other hand, was tricky especially because of a complete lack of speed. Raju bowled with such little pace and his ball took so long to come that batsmen often practiced facing him by getting friends and relatives to courier cricket balls overnight to them through local courier companies.

This has been shamelessly copied from another blog :)

the premise…

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus”offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.
The professor told his class one day:
“Today we will experiment witha new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a shortstory.You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students : Ruby and Craig. (Names changed .. in case this is a true story)

THE STORY…

(first paragraph by Ruby)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Craig)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit ove Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. ” A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Ruby)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Craig)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed theUnilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Ruby)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinisticsemi-literate adolescent.

(Craig)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Ruby)

Asshole.

(Craig)

Bitch

(Ruby)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Craig)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(Professor)

“A+ - I really liked this one.*

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952

(I haven’t been able to trace who originally wrote this. I read this first on the electronic noticeboard of IIMA).

Once upon a time (as all good fables begin), a tortoise and a hare decided to
resolve an argument by engaging in a short road race. They agreed upon a
specific route and commenced their competition. The hare shot ahead and ran
briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead, decided to enjoy his
surroundings, rest under a shaded tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise
plodded on, overtook the hare, and crossed the finish line, emerging as the
undisputed victor. The hare woke up to realize that he had lost the
competition.

The moral of this famous fable is that slow and steady wins the race. This is
the version of the story that we have all likely grown up with. There is
however, a more fascinating extension to this short story . . .

It would seem that the hare, devastated at losing what had appeared to be an
effortless race, did some serious soul-searching. Upon reflection, he realized
that he had been defeated largely because of his own overconfident and
negligent attitude toward his competitor. He reasoned that if he had not been
so quick to assume an easy victory, there is no way that the tortoise could
have beaten him. So he challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise
agreed.

This time the hare went all out, ran without stopping, complete from start to
finish. Needless to say, he trounced his competitor.

The moral of our continued story is that fast and consistent will always beat
the slow and steady. If you have two partners in your firm, one slow,
methodical and dependable and the other fast and still reliable at whatever he
or she does, the fast and reliable partner will consistently outperform their
methodical peer. It’s good to be slow and steady; but it is even better to be
fast and reliable.

Our strategic fable doesn’t end yet.

The tortoise now took his turn at some serious reflection. He soon realized
that there was simply no way that he could ever beat the hare in a road race
the way it was currently designed. He thought for a while and came up with a
plan. He challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different and
surprisingly (at least to the hare) longer course.

The hare quickly agreed and a new race was started. In order to be consistently
fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed until he came to a broad and deep
river. The finish line was a couple of miles on the other side of this river.
The hare, unable to swim, had no choice but to continue his long run around the
outside bank of this river.

In the meantime, the tortoise trundled along, finally reaching the river, swam
to the opposite bank, continued walking, and managed to finish well ahead of
the hare.

The moral of this portion of our story . . . first, recognize your core
competency and then find a way to change the rules of the game to suit your
unique skills. Always work to your strengths.

But our story still isn’t concluded.

By this time the hare and the tortoise were becoming fast friends. They had
developed a degree of respect for each other’s distinctive capabilities. Upon
reflection they realized that their last race could have been run far better,
if they were both willing to run it together, as a team effort.

So as a true team effort, this time when they started off, the hare carried the
tortoise all the way to the riverbank. There the tortoise took over and swam
across with the hare sitting on his back. On the opposite bank, the hare again
carried the tortoise and they reached the finish line together, but on this
occasion in record time.

The moral of the story now . . . It is good to be individually brilliant and to
have strong core competencies; but unless you are able to work in a team and
harness each other’s strengths, you will always perform below par because there
will always be a situation at which you will do poorly while someone else will
do well.

There are yet a few more lessons to be gleaned from our expanded fable.

You will note that neither the hare nor the tortoise gave up after experiencing
a failure. The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his
setback. The tortoise concluded that he needed to completely change his
strategy. Our tortoise was already working as hard as he could, and thus
working smarter was now what was needed for him to win.

Finally, the hare and tortoise both learned a further valuable lesson. When we
stop competing against a rival and choose instead to compete against the
situation, we can often perform far better.

Thus, this fable of the hare and the tortoise teaches us: that fast and
consistent will always beat slow and steady; we must always work to our
strengths; pooling resources and working as a team will always beat individual
performers; never give up when faced with failure; and finally compete against
the situation, not against the rival . . . and you will live happily ever
after!

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box.

“There are 5 things you need to know,” he told the pencil, “Before I send
you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you
will become the best pencil you can be.”

“One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow
yourself to be held in Someone’s hand.”

“Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but
you’ll need it to become a better pencil.”

“Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.”

“Four: The most important part of you will always be what’s inside.”

“And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No
matter what the condition, you must continue to write.”

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with
purpose in its heart.

Now replacing the place of the pencil with you.  Always remember them and
never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow
yourself to be held in God’s hand. And allow other human beings to access
you for the many gifts you possess.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going
through various problems in life, but you’ll need it to become a stronger
person.

Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what’s on the inside.

And Five: On every surface you walk through, you must leave your mark. No
matter what the situation, you must continue to do your duties.

Allow this parable on the pencil to encourage you to know that you are a
special person and only you can fulfill the purpose to which you were born
to accomplish.

Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is
insignificant and cannot make a change.